England v Ze Germans!! ...how to be a tabloid editor in 10 easy steps

The BBC and ITV have done their clumsy best to further the cause of cultural insensitivity during this World Cup but it really takes the full power of the tabloid press and a clash with "The Old Enemy"^TM to bring out the worst kind of casual racism in the media.

Yesterday there was the Daily Mail's '11 Germans who wouldn't have been German if 'The Kaiser' had his way' and The Sun's assortment of lazy cliches, stereotyping and rather forced mentioning of the war... with very little intention of 'getting away with it'. 

In fact being a tabloid editor around any England v Germany clash is really rather simple. It seems you just need to follow a few simple steps. See how many of these you can spot in the papers this weekend:

1. Use pictures of Churchill next to witty re-writes of his speeches
2. Talk of 'putting towels down' on a) The pitch b) sun-loungers c) the World Cup d) the World
3. Ensure the word 'the' is spelled 'ze' wherever and whenever possible
4. Constantly pun on Hun (eg. Hun-Nil, Hun and dusted, Alles in Hun Der Land... etc. etc.)
5. The same with Kraut (eg. We're Kraut of the World Cup, Kraut of order... etc. etc.)
6. Invoke popular sit-coms with anti-German storylines: (eg. "Don't Panic!" "Don't Mention Ze War!")
7. Invoke popular films with anti-German storylines (eg. The Great Escape!)
8. Pun on sausages (eg. 'The Wurst Day For English Football')
9. Position comical pictures of people in lederhosen around your insightful editorial
10. Don't write 'Here' when Herr can be used instead (eg. 'Herr we go again!')

...follow those 10 simple steps and your paper practically writes itself...

 

Comments

[Graeme Robertson]

Slightly different rules apply for tabloids outside England ...

[Chris]

My biggest regret is that someone might assume that these disgusting fucking papers speak for me.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/10426060.stm