The ill-wind of blustering mindfarts that cloud the writing of Liz Jones, village-idiot-in-chief among the Daily Mail's stunningly competitive stable of columnists vying for that title, has taken a bizarre twist today with a tale of her desire to get pregnant.
This is the same Liz Jones who recently declared that women only have children "out of vanity" and through a desire to "keep their husband and take a year off work".
Jones' story begins many moons ago when she was trying to trick a former boyfriend into fathering a child against his will (...and they say romance is dead):
"Trevor had never given me what I wanted from a relationship. At first, he wouldn’t even have sex with me. Then, finally, when ... we started a physical relationship... he was still very cautious. He refused to believe I was on the Pill, and insisted we use a condom..."
It turns out Trevor's instincts served him well:
"Because he wouldn't give me what I wanted, I decided to steal it from him. I resolved to steal his sperm...The 'theft' itself was alarmingly easy to carry out...
Ocean's Eleven this is not... and the squeamish may like to look away now:
"One night, after sex, I took the used condom and, in the privacy of the bathroom, I did what I had to do. Bingo."
Or not. Because Jones' DIY approach to home insemination was unsuccessful. Despite this fact, Jones ponders:
"I don't understand why more men aren't wise to this risk..."
What risk exactly... the risk of somebody failing to inseminate themself with the contents of the bathroom bin?
"Let me offer a warning to men... if a woman disappears to the loo immediately after sex, I suggest you find out exactly what she is up to.
Or, don't.
Actually, just don't.
Worst in all of this is Liz Jones' insult to the rest of womankind who she says - and may even believe - are as tragic and deceptive as her:
"...any man who moves in with a woman in her late 30s or early 40s should take it as read that she will want to use them to procreate, by fair means or foul, no matter how much she protests otherwise."
Predictably, Jones is the talk of Twitter this morning. She may not be able to impregnate herself with the dishonestly milked contents of a discarded condom, but she can still spark a Twitterstorm.
Apols to Spinal Tap but .. what day did the Lord create Liz Jones, and couldn't he have rested on that day too?
Posted by: Christof | Nov 03, 2011 at 17:55
What happened with her visit to Somalia? Did she ever write anything about that experience?
Posted by: Bobinchiclana | Nov 03, 2011 at 18:50
Heh.
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/liz-jones-launches-used-condom-appeal-201111034504/
Posted by: onlythatinyou | Nov 03, 2011 at 18:54