Do you want to see a press release that will make your toes curl? In fact, do you want to see a press release which has single-handedly bludgeoned both humour and wit to death while choking the life out of irony and dancing an uncomfortable jig on the graves of anybody who has ever used the English language in a worthwhile manner?
You do? OK then, try this from Illicit Encounters which bills itself as "the UK's largest married dating site... a discreet and confidential extra marital affairs dating service for women and men".
So, you're already expecting something pretty classy from these guys, right? Well hold on to your hats, because you're about to be disappointed:
Forget the lion there are over 1000 Cougars loose in Essex.
With the sightings of a Big Cat in Essex hitting the headlines, Illicit Encounters has offered up its own explanation of the large cat sighting, claiming that it may have actually been a Cougar. They are of course referring to the slang term of a woman who seeks encounters with younger men. A quick search of the website reveals that it has over 1000 "Cougars" registered in the Essex area alone.
At this point, you're probably still recoiling slightly, possibly fighting the temptation to do a bit of sick in your mouth and deleting all of your email accounts lest anything like this ever finds its way into your own inbox... but there's more, starting with this non-sequitur:
"Illicit Encounters spokesperson Mike Taylor said "Whilst the Essex lion will most likely turn out to be just a domestic cat, Illicit Encounters offers an online environment for married people who find there domestic lives are missing the spark and excitement."
Now, this is far from the worst thing about this press release, in fact it's not even in the top 80, but the fact they use 'there' when they mean 'their' still stings a bit.
"You also won't need two police helicopters, zoo experts and armed police to find yourself a cougar on the site and it will be considerably cheeper than the rumoured £25,000 cost of the Essex Lion hunt."
It really comes to something when the awful spelling of the word "cheeper" is actually the best thing about a sentence. Let alone an entire press release.
We should probably just be grateful they didn't use the words "pussy hunt". Yet.